My first blog post… Please read

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I am starting this as a place to express myself freely without reservations, filters, censorship or rose colored glasses.

To speak MY truths that only I feel. I will tell my stories of my past, present, and future. Talking about my hopes & dreams for my future with all the good, bad and ugly that comes along with it, while also sharing with you my creative journeys with music and storybook writing.

I can’t pretend that at some point, someone will read my entries and they won’t be offend, hurt, shocked, amazed, amused, angered or more… because not everyone will agree with or understand what I have to say. We are all different with our own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This world is HUGE. There are tens, hundreds, thousands, millions… 7.6 billion people in the world as of October 2017. So if you read anything I have to say on my personal blog and take offense with what I have to say…. Sorry not sorry.

So… welcome to my journey. It will be a colorful ride, full of twists and turns along the way, to keep you wondering “What will I learn about Ivy in her next post?”

Stay tuned…

xoxo Ivy

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Quietly Recharging – A Poem

Keeping to myself

Not allowing the world to affect me

Replenishing my energy

To get myself back to normal

No one understands

It’s more than a struggle

Forcing myself

Though it’s not something that can be done in a hurry.

© poem by Ivy Sea 12/5/18

PTSD – A Poem

Trying to focus, but failing.

I don’t know how I got here.

Darkness surrounding

Not sure how to escape

Suffocating

Times running out

Trying to catch my breath

While the pain tries to claim me

Make it stop!

Though it keeps repeating

Like a sick joke

That isn’t funny.

© Poem by Ivy Sea – 12/04/18

When the child becomes the parent

Parents are supposed to be the protectors of the young, innocent children that they bring into this world. Be there for guidance during times of struggle to bring about the silver linings of all dark clouds that may cross over us in life. Bring happiness to them, making memories that they can pass on to the next generation.

However, as much as we wish for this to be the case, it’s not always true. Life is funny like that. It deals out hands to many, hoping that they can learn and grow however many falter as it becomes too much.

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t yet. My life has always been hard, though I’ve been blessed with pockets of happiness to clear out the darkness that regularly threatens to break me. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve been spared from that darkness.. no. Far from it. Yet I try to smile and continuously strive to see the best in every situation. I’ll admit, some times I fail.

Like today. I mentioned about how parents should protect you and love you. But what happens when they choose to be selfish, throwing themselves into drugs which allow the untapped mental illnesses they have to blossom into an uncontrollable mess that destroys not just their lives, but their children as well?

In my case, it meant more horrifying situations that I was thrusted into that no child should ever go through never. As an adult, I still try and heal. Battling with my depression and the need to see everything in a glass half full mentality. Though, I have moments where it slips and I feel the darkness surround me in a cocoon of pain that pours through me. I’m trying everyday to be strong, but it’s hard. I’m struggling more than anyone knows.

Lately, it’s been triggered by my father, whom fell privy to teenage drug use and the dormant Schizophrenia took over him. Throwing his life into chaos. Twenty years ago, he was at a point of no return (high on his usual cocktail of drugs & alcohol and then toss in a schizophrenic episode) when he stepped in front of a moving train, hands out, thinking he could stop the train. But alas, he could not and was thrown twenty feet, suffering a massive head trauma rendering him to a childlike persona. One where he doesn’t remember all the horrible things he did, especially to you.

He was placed in a home to live and be watched, reminded to medicate daily, as he isn’t fit to live on his own, his schizophrenia so bad that if one day of medication is skipped he will be thrown into a violent rage. When medicated, he is docile and has a mindset like he is still in high school, ranting about a car that he used to own before one of his brothers stole it.

It’s heartbreaking on so many levels to me that anytime I see him call, I get hurricane of emotions, unsure of what the end result is.

Deep down, I’ll always love my father as he is the reason I’m born. But… if I’m to be honest with myself, he was never a father to me. He loved me, yes, but in two ways, which causes bile to threaten to rise as I forever suppress the visions of those moments of me as a helpless child.

Who he is today is a shell of a man who can’t remember the last thing he ate. He calls me everyday, if not multiple times a day, just to “talk to his little girl who he hasn’t spoken to in so long,” forgetting we spoke the day before. It’s maddening and saddening. He doesn’t remember anything from the past. Just that I’m his “baby girl” and that he loved me.

Part of me wants to block him from calling so I don’t have to constantly have the same conversation with him. I’m beginning to come unhinged. To constantly have to remind him, my father, a man who hurt me so deeply in the past, what is ok and what’s not. I’m crumbling.

Then the other part feels awful for where he is in his life. Truly alone. The rest of the family disowned him after the mayhem he caused on so many avenues as well as their inability to handle his mental state. As it’s hard. But I find myself trying, hoping that I’ll learn about who he is, what his likes and dislikes were despite his appetite for drugs and alcohol. But it’s like listening to a broken record, repeating the same track over and over and over again… making you want to scream STOP!!!!

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I try and manage the calls and the conversations as best as I can but it’s hard. It makes all other communication with others harder as the strength I have to gather for a phone call from him depleted my social battery faster than you can say “Merry Fucking Christmas”.

But if I’m to be honest, he’s not the only one causing distress. My mother as well who is in her own hell of her own. After being pressured into sex, landing herself pregnant and forced into a teenage marriage, she fell into selling and using drugs with my father, awakening her Severe bipolar disorder in full gear.

Fast forward to today… she’s on disability, lives on the street in a trailer, managing her bipolar while also watching over my brother… who out of all my siblings went down the same path, killing his brain with drugs and causing the hereditary gene of Schizophrenia that is in our blood to bust out into the strongest forms.

So much more to be said… but I’ll stop for now as this is moving in a direction that I didn’t intend. Another day I’ll delve further.

But, I’ll end with this. What does one do when the parents meant to love and cherish you, break you at such a young age? Then you grow to heal your broken heart to find it shattered again with a feeling of responsibility to be there for them? I’m struggling to come to grips with what I should do.

My eldest sister (who got out early) doesn’t have anything to do with them. My eldest brother (schizophrenic) does because of my mom only. And my youngest half brother has contact, though minimal as he also got out early and was raised by someone else.

I just feel at a loss. I do have love but I also have a lot of hurt. Hurt that has been heavily masked from the severe PTSD that I live through on a daily.

I try to be happy, everyday, being grateful I’m alive. Normally I succeed, causing others to call me fake. Though, if they only knew my inner struggles that force me to live that way in fear of what I would be should I let my past dictate my future.

However…. When the past calls, that control over my happiness breaks and sadness rolls through me. I feel like this is a loosing situation.

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Happy Monday!

Can you believe it? We are alive! We made it another day! What a wonderful feeling to wake up and see that there are endless possibilities at your feet. Leaving yesterday’s worries behind you and looking towards a bright future!!

It feels good. ❤️

It hurts – A Poem

It’s hurts

It always hurts

Nothing will take that pain away

It’s a deep seeded weed

Nestled and hidden

Ever so coy

Ever so clever

Ever so smart

I try to go around it

See where it’s weakness is

But it’s useless

As it’s weakness is mine

Poem written by Ivy Sea © 9/29/18

9-5 Life Part 8: Office Vibes And Pizza

Hello! Good morning! Good day and Happy Friday to you all! It’s a glorious day isn’t it? We are alive and there are so many possibilities ahead of us. So why isn’t it a spectacular day?

I realized it’s been a while since I’ve update you all on the office commotion that’s been brewing within my little bubble at work. So I thought, why not let you all in on the juicy details!

So, the last time I wrote about work I spoke about how I struggled with my best friend B working for me at my office. With her constant lack of enthusiasm and drive to truly BE THERE, it was really getting bad and the office vibes were suffering. It was to a point where I was thinking I couldn’t last here with the tension that was going on. So the following week, after our conversation, I pulled her in and told her that it’s not working. That as much as I love her as a friend, having her as my employee wasn’t working. Luckily, as before, she understood and agreed.

She ended up leaving the last week of August, a week before my 3 new hires started. Which was perfect as there was a week in between where I was able to make some changes with my office to have a fresh start when my new employees started after Labor Day.

It’s like night and day to be quite honest. I didn’t realize the toxic energy that B had here and was creating because of her lack of interest in her job. Now I see and will never allow anything or anyone to create that tension again.

Also!! Pigs flew in my office!!!

Let me elaborate… when I started here two employees were not speaking as they had a 6 year grudge due to past disagreements. It was awful and the energy in the office was dreadful as the office wasn’t a team, it was several teams that didn’t connect. A few days after B left, the two ladies got together and decided to bury the hatchet and start fresh. Since, the office has merged into a unified team where everyone converses and helps each other! NO MORE EXCLUSIONS!!

Oh happy day! I feel like a proud mom standing on the sidelines of my kids sports game screaming and cheering that my babies made a goal and their team is winning!! Cause that’s how it feels.

Our HR in Atlanta told me it would never happen, and it did. Whether that’s because of me, the changes I’ve brought forth here, hiring/firing of people or whatever it is… I’m just happy.

For the first time in 6 years as an office we will finally be able to celebrate the holidays as a group!! 👈🏻 That is what I’m the most excited for as I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!!

Anywho!! I’m logging off as I ordered pizza for the office to celebrate one of my temps being converted to a permanent employee and I’m ready to eat!! Though… my personal trainer is going to kill me tonight at my 6:30 session when she hears I ate pizza! 🙀🤫🤗 Shhhh…. Don’t tell on me hehe

Changes – A Poem

One step at a time

To find my momentum

Slow and steady

There’s no rushing

But as the colors change

My perspective does too

As the things I once cared about

I realize I didn’t have a clue

Watching my story change

One page at a time

Embracing the new beginnings

As I know I need this for my life

Poem by Ivy Sea © 9/27/18

My Journey to “Oola” Part 3: Fitness Day 1- KILLED ME!

I did it!! I got the membership at the gym AND worked out!!!

I feel I could do a happy dance!! I will say it feels amazing to finally do something I tell myself I’m going to do. No excuses. None!

On Monday after work, I signed up for Golds Gym and purchased the Gold (top tier) membership along with 6 (25 minute) personal training sessions. I figured, go big or go home! I didn’t really have time, nor the energy to work out that day so I set my first session with my PT for Yesterday after work.

After some struggles, including finding/buying socks and dealing with the joys of womanhood (Mother Flow- yay), I made it and began my “Evaluation” session.

Let’s just say looks can be deceiving in my case.

My trainer looked at me after the test was ran (yes, I said test which consisted of me standing on this scale, holding these two poles that looked like handle bars, for one minute) and was like….

“Ok, so you are in a healthy weight range which is great. However, your muscle mass is extremely low, so we need to work on that. We need to focus on weight training and not much cardio.”

Apparently, you can be skinny and out of shape. Case in point… me. That was painfully obvious while she put me through the ringer yesterday in my “Evaluation workout”.

OH. MY. GOD.

We did the following:

  • Squats while using the Exercise Rope
  • Lunges using the Exercise Rope
  • Crunches with dumbbells (where I extend my legs along each side of the two dumbells, in three motions right, center, left, center, right… I hope that makes sense lol)
  • Planks with the Exercise Rope (did I mention this freaking Rope is heavy as fuck?… if not I’m telling you it is. Though one day when I’m in the workout groove and it gets easier, I’ll laugh at myself for feeling this way)
  • Regular Squats
  • Squats with dumbbells

And she was going to push me more but my body was like…

Luckily I know myself, because the moment we got back over to the desk to schedule my official first session, I became dizzy and almost passed out. I was that woman laying on the ground with the staff helping me keep my feet up and cooling me down.

GREAT WAY to end MY FIRST Workout. I’m so blessed everyone was so sweet about it. I’m glad to say I quickly recovered and took myself over to the Hydro Massagers to relax myself after such intensity. AMAZING 15 minutes of heat and water massaging in areas you choose!! Perks of the Gold membership!

I did learn a few things though about my next session.

  1. I need to eat something high in protein and low on carbs/sugars 45 minutes BEFORE & AFTER working out. Needless to say I didn’t do that this go around and instantly regret it as that’s why my session ended as it did.
  2. Always, ALWAYS have Gatorade to drink afterwards
  3. To breathe!! This is stupid to say, but that was a huge thing for me was I wasn’t breathing right while working out which caused me to get tired faster.
  4. Stretch before my training as a little bit goes a long way.
  5. Get there 10 minutes early so that I’m not late when my session starts. Every minute counts during training.
  6. Pack smart in my workout bag! I put together a list of things I realized I need to have in my bag before I go.

I probably learned more but for now that’s it. I’m so proud of myself though. I didn’t think I could do it, may others didn’t think I would either as I’ve talked about doing this for so long. SERIOUSLY, SOOOOOO LONG.

I’m debating whether I want to do Zumba or the core workout routine today. My PT did mention that I should focus more on weights than cardio because of my body type, so I may consider that more. However, whatever I choose to do today, I’m happy I want to keep working out even after getting killed yesterday!!

Oh happy day!

Positivity is heavily flowing and I don’t want it to stop!! If there is something you have been talking about doing but never have. STOP TALKING AND GET TO DOING!! As life won’t change for you, you have to take the first steps!

Standing with the sun instead of laying with the moon – A poem

Feeling alive

Like bolts of electricity running through me

A switch turned on

I’m shining so brightly

What power source did this come from?

What magic is this?

Should I care?

Seek answers to things that shouldn’t matter?

No…

I choose to stand tall with the sun in the sunlight

Not lay down weak with the moon in the darkness

I’d rather run with this

As to be honest…

It feels better in my heart and in my head

To feel this happy than so sad

© poem written by Ivy Sea 9/25/18 ☁️🌜☁️ Late Night poems….