My first blog post… Please read

pink teal yellow multi color please leave nothing but your feet road signage
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I am starting this as a place to express myself freely without reservations, filters, censorship or rose colored glasses.

To speak MY truths that only I feel. I will tell my stories of my past, present, and future. Talking about my hopes & dreams for my future with all the good, bad and ugly that comes along with it, while also sharing with you my creative journeys with music and storybook writing.

I can’t pretend that at some point, someone will read my entries and they won’t be offend, hurt, shocked, amazed, amused, angered or more… because not everyone will agree with or understand what I have to say. We are all different with our own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This world is HUGE. There are tens, hundreds, thousands, millions… 7.6 billion people in the world as of October 2017. So if you read anything I have to say on my personal blog and take offense with what I have to say…. Sorry not sorry.

So… welcome to my journey. It will be a colorful ride, full of twists and turns along the way, to keep you wondering “What will I learn about Ivy in her next post?”

Stay tuned…

xoxo Ivy

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Lost in the crowd

Drop to my knees begging for answers

Please someone tell me the truth

Can you hear me? Do you see me?

Have you heard my words?

Am I invisible, transparent

Lost in the crowd

Why can’t I be seen?

What happened to me?

It’s as if life has passed me by

Forgotten, thrown away, used up

Now they’re done

©Ivy Sea

9-5 Life Part 9: Business and pleasure… and honesty

They say that honesty is key and that it will set you free. That you’ll never know what could happen unless you say something.

So I did.

I was honest with B about my feelings that I expressed earlier and I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I had a conversation with her that lead to the topic and I couldn’t help but tell her how I felt. Luckily she was very receptive and understood my place in the situation.

I told her to really think about this job and if she really wants to work with me. To be honest with not only me but herself. If she could really see herself handling the workload I for-see growing for this role. If she can handle the office dynamics as she isn’t being received well by her coworkers.

I WANT her there as I do enjoy being around her. However, I don’t NEED her there if she can’t give me her all on a daily basis.

We will see, I told her we will talk about this next week and go from there. However I made myself known that as much as I love her as a friend, I need people working for me that want the job as much as I do. Because that will make them work harder because it ends up not being really work, just something to do.

Not going to lie… I feel proud of myself that I was able to vocalize this to her the way I did and in return she understand that as much as I love her as my friend, I need to look out for myself.

It was a big moment for me in our friendship. I really didn’t think I’d be able to do it. I feel a little like this Bitmoji where I felt like my confidence engulfed me and I was able to find my voice. Yay me!

Anywho!

I hope you all have a fabulous night!!

9-5 Life Part 8: Business and pleasure… Is a bad mix

You know the saying well… don’t mix your personal life with your work life as things are bound to get sticky.

Well… I’m feeling that way right now.

I hired one of my best friends to work for me as an office clerk and at first it was great. She was working on a team within my office so the majority of her work was being supervised by one of the admins. That made it easy to separate work from our friendship. There was a clear distinction between me as her boss and me as her friend (which was kept outside the office).

Now fast forward to today… the team she was working on didn’t work out. The admin in charge didn’t mesh well with her and simply told me “fire her and find someone else”. Now, my friend is a temp, so technically that’s how things worked in the past. However, I don’t like letting people go without valid reasons.

So I decided to kept her… and I’ll admit that I am feeling regret.

I moved her to work on a different team in the office as I saw a need for an additional office clerk to assist with set tasks I saw needed to be streamlined. My goal for this role is to make her the “jack of all trades” so she can do a little of everything. This office is TOO BUSY not to have someone in that role to be quite frank.

So I began to give her tasks, one by one. Simple. Yet when coming back to her to check progress, I find that it turns out WAY MORE complicated then it has to be. Which frustrates me.

Example:

I asked her to create a basic “how to” guides on the stuff she learns (as unfortunately my company is lacking in them 🤦🏼‍♀️) so she can have them as references and for new hires to utilize as well. When I think basic, I would assume she would come back to me with a word document that has the list of the steps. However she cane back to be with a mother fucking Power Point presentation with screenshots and shit.

Now… don’t get me wrong. What she created was EXTREMELY helpful and I’ve forwarded it to HR to add to our training material. Which is great! However, it wasn’t what I asked for at all, and that bothers me. When I asked her about it, she said she created it this way as “her brain works this way” (aka she’s a creative) and she understands it better. I get that… but I don’t at the same time. A simple task of learning how to do something and creating a basic how to which should have taken less than a week has taken two.

I have also mentioned to her my thoughts on this role and where I want it to go… and to be honest, I genuinely am starting to feel like she won’t be able to meet the standards I want to set for this position. She’s mentioned a few times that she’s mostly here because of me. As flattered as I am by that, it doesn’t help me, it hurts me. As this is a career for me while it’s just a job for her.

My boyfriend told me that I have to really look at this situation and think about the future and what keeping her around means. As the role shift has slightly caused tension amongst my office, along with her not taking this job as seriously as I need her to and me finding it difficult to manage her as just an employee.

I’ll elaborate further…

When I started this job, there was such awfully toxic vibe that was so thick you could legit cut a knife through it! The last manager didn’t like to deal with office politics. As you could imagine, walking in you could see all the dirt that was swept under the rug. My main goal has been to clean it up. And so far I’ve done an excellent job, things are almost at a 180 with how it feels. Though there are still the few that are too into the drama and gossip so they are always “clucking” behind closed doors. But every office has that. However, this role change for B has caused the clucking to unfortunately increase. Why? Because I’m still trying to hammer out what Bs duties are and get her trained on it. So those “high school” employees (I’ll call the cluckers) are on vigil watch on every move she makes. Which is bad.

Especially when B isn’t putting in 100% everyday. I know this because she doesn’t look at me as a boss, she sees me as her friend here at work.

Example: she comes in to my office to “take a moment away from the office” or to share with me intel about her life that’s “causing her to loose focus”.

Have you ever done that to your boss? I sure as hell haven’t.

And that bothers me she feels it’s ok. It bothers me that I don’t say shit in the moment to correct her on it… which is another issue having her work here.

I’m struggling to be the manager I know I can be because of her. So many red flags I’ve honestly ignored because of the friendship as I know what’s bothering her… but again, this is hurting me in the long run. As if the office sees her not “fighting to keep this job” (as one of my admins told me) that’s going to cause issues. And I can’t and won’t have that.

I am giving her another two weeks to see how it goes before making a decision. I truly hope she starts to pick up on this and masters it.

As I need her fully functioning. I can’t have a half player on my team.

However, it all starts with me. I’m going to sit her down and be completely honest about what I see happening. I can’t expect her to know what I’m feeling when honestly I haven’t told her.

Though, at the end of the day, I have to make the decision that is best for me in the long run.

As, like I say to all my friends and family:

“I’m the CEO of my own life. I choose who is involved in my company of and sit on my advisory board to help me navigate life’s challenges. If my people aren’t benefiting me, I must let them go as life is the one thing I can’t allow go bankrupt… or else I’m dead!”

Have you ever been a boss to a really good friend? If so, how did you separate business from pleasure?

Late night jitters

Something deep

inside of me

Burrowed

hidden far away

With locks and chains

Secret doors

It’ll never get away

Until

One day

I gave in

Tricked

Sucker punched

Down to the floor

It’s loose

I can’t control it

Hush, don’t speak

Don’t know which way

The mystery

will run

For the night

It’s too young

And the moon

Is full

With a glow

Circled round

It’s a warning

An omen

So better beware…

© Ivy Sea

Those butterflies 🦋

Goosebumps rise up and down my spine

Every time I think of him

Tidal wave through my mind

My heart is pounding all the time

Words are frozen in my chest

Too much to say but nothing yet

Silence is deafening as I silently scream

Wanting to express what you mean to me

But you got me frozen. I’m a like stone

A statue standing as if all alone

Till you touch my hand, sending chills through me

Making me come alive and my words start exploding

“I love you”

©Ivy Sea

Praying for little speed bumps

Sounds crazy right? That I would be wanting to incur speed bumps within my life? To ask for obstacles to present themselves to you.

I do this because I already know everyday is going to have challenges. It’s going to have things pop up you don’t want to deal with or people who just radiate toxic energy that will engulf you.

I figure… why not accept it and plan for the worse so that when it’s a great day with no problems it feels even better.

As they say..

“Expect the best, plan for the worst, and be prepared to be surprised” – Denis Waitley

It’s a little trick I play with myself everyday to keep my glass half full mentality and continue radiating positive energy.

Weirdly, it works!

Hope you all have a fantastic day!

Bit by the Bug this morning

I wish I could say I was “bit by the bug to do something” today… though, I am always compelled to make everyday better than the day before.

No… I was literally bit by a fucking bug/spider in my sleep.

I woke up to this beauty…

Fabulous accessory for my outfit today, if I do say so myself! 🤣😂🤣

Let’s hope it doesn’t drive me completely bonkers as it’s on my right hand… and that’s my dominate side. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Have you ever woken to something like this? Any tips on how to make the swelling go down?

Anywho!

Hope you are all having a fantastic Wednesday!

9-5 Life Part 6: Employee jokes

I know, I know… stop posting so much in one day. But I can’t help myself as I had to share this.

Every Monday, one of my employees updates his work Skype status with a joke.

Last weeks joke:

What is Forrest Gump’s password? … 1Forrest1

This week:

What’s a chicken’s least favorite day? … Fry-Day

Hehe had to share the laugh as they always make me giggle. Till next weeks joke!

Let it stop

Incoherent lullabies

Being sung to me

Like nails on a chalkboard

Oh so lovely

Make it stop. Silence.

That’s all I’m asking for

I’m feeling myself swell up

Like I’m going to implode.

©Ivy Sea

9-5 Life Part 5: Update

It’s been over a month and a half I’ve been at my new job… and I seriously feel this is a perfect fit. It’s a weird feeling to genuinely want to go to work and work. It sounds silly saying that, but it’s true. This is the first job that I want to call it a career.

Other jobs I’ve had, there were aspects I really enjoyed, thinking “this could be something I could make into a career”. I was passionate and gave my everything in them. However, there were key things, that at the end of the day, made me unhappy.

An overbearing and micromanaging boss, unmanageable overload of work, non-existent office structures, unruly coworkers… to name a few.

Not to say this job is perfect, however all the above things are truly not issues for me. My biggest stress is if I entered in a new file and sent out a letter or making sure my staff comes in on time. There will be other tasks that will come up that will inevitably “grind my gears” however so far there have been none.

For the first time I feel I’ve found my “home” here at this company. Where I can grow to something so much more that Office Manager! As most companies, office manager is a cap… however not here. My company is global and that means there are endless possibilities and locations I can end up.

It’s just a matter of time.

I guess I should have reminded myself yesterday, in my last post “Uneasy”, that another reason we haven’t and won’t leave LA yet is I want to make an impression at this office to be able to grown in the company. Gah… to want your cake and eat it too!

Anywho! That’s my brief update on work life. I’m trying to make this more of a regular thing, updating my blog on my life. As I’ve found myself too many times thinking about the posts I want to write and never doing it.

Bad trait of mine that I’m trying to break as there is so much I want and need to say.

Writing has always been my passion and somewhere that got lost while I struggled through life. But not anymore!

Uneasy

close up of padlocks hanging on heart shape
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Lately I’ve been feeling extremely uneasy.

A part of me thought it was the whole “Mercury is in Retrograde” and the energy is all out of wack thing. Cause best believe I’m into that shit cause I heavily believe in energy. Though the energy has been reset and still I’m feeling this way which makes me worry.

I love where my life is going, however it feel like I’m in slow motion getting there… and that’s beyond frustrating.

I’ll say this. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. He’s truly my best friend and makes me a better person. He makes me feel safe and loved. I want to marry him and start a life with him.

However… there are some things that make me feel hesitant.

I’ve told my BF several times that having a family is my dream…and I’m approaching 30 this year, and for me I want to start settling down, I’m ready. I’m tired of all the games of dating and the fear of the unknown.

close up of a diamond ring
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Is it too much to ask for a commitment to show that this dream of mine will happen? Cause where we stand, I don’t see it happening.

It makes me sad.

I want to cry how frustrated I feel. I hate to say this, but I DONT WANT TO BE AN OLD MOM. I want to be young enough to give my kids the love, adventures, guidance and more that I didn’t get growing up. I ache wanting to give this love away. I weep when I see other friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies as I want that.

grayscale photo of baby feet with father and mother hands in heart signs
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Is it too much to ask for?

It’s going on 4 years I’ve known my man and almost 2 years of us dating… and I feel like a commitment should have been established. I hate to compare myself to others, but god damn! I can’t help but feel a surge of utterly vivid green jealousy over those couples that quickly fall head over heals in love and the man can’t wait to ask her to be his bride.

Then I sit over here and hope “one day” it will happen. I know he loves me, but I can’t help but wonder “how much do you?”. As he knows what’s important to me, I’ve said it over and over till my face turns blue. But I feel I’m always falling of deaf ears.

I’m his first real serious adult relationship (for him at 33)… which makes me go “well, ok that’s why he’s taking a minute to get on the train with you”. Then the other part goes “He ain’t ready, obviously. Hes content and things are going to go anywhere”.

Why would I have so much doubt?

Well… we are staying in LA because he wanted to give being a comedian one last go. He said on my birthday in November, he wanted to try one more year to try and make it out here, which I fully supported as I see how funny he can be and he was actually taking it seriously.

I personally want to move to another state to find people with similar mentalities and settle down. To really start living my life. As being in Los Angeles is sucking the life from me. It’s so utterly toxic with everyone around. I just want a fresh start.

Well… it’s August and he has not done anything for a comedian. I asked him about it and he was like “oh, that’s funny you mention that as someone asked me about it today. No I haven’t done anything”.

He did, however, enroll online for some college courses, which is great. I’m glad he decided to gain more knowledge to help him get ahead.

But (excuse my sudden French) what the fuck? He can do these classes ONLINE ANYWHERE… but he chooses to stay here and do it? Am I supposed to just sit around and wait while my fucking biological clock is fucking pounding in my ear.

As you can tell, I’m annoyed and all around at a crossroads. Yes I know I’m still young and have so much time to get this all figured out.

But I don’t want to be 40 finally getting to MY LIFE DREAM of being a mother simply because I waited for the one to be ready.

I’m sorry for all this negativity.. I’m just getting to a place where I want/need/crave to live the life I dream of, and that doesn’t happen here in Los Angeles.

view of tunnel
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